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| nothing i can do or say is going to make this post less shitty. its fucked up, i get that. but its here. and its now.
i dont want your advice, and i dont need your prayers.
without getting into details, im a relatively fucked up person. there are doctors to back this up. im not the kind of person you want around small kids, because i tend to be one. meaning i like to color and take naps, but i also throw tantrums and shut down when things get too hard. i dont do well with change, or suprises. or interuption. im compulsive and im dramatic.
that being said, i love Milo to pieces. he's the greatest thing ive ever done.
but im not gonna lie. i can imagine my life without him. it would be easier. empty, but easy.
so im talking to my mom about college today. i recently got interested in forensic science. but its only available at one school in the state, a school 6 hours from home. my mom says
"well you can move down there, and we'll keep milo here. and we'll come up for weekends"
and in the car, i flipped out. i said theres no way that i could be away form him. said it wasnt open for discussion. but now, im thinking otherwise. im thinking, maybe it wouldnt be so bad. to start over. to have people get to know me before they "know" me. to find out who i am, not who i have to be.
but then theres the other end. the little part inside my head that says run. run away and never look back. a little stuborn part that says that my mom would do a better job raising him. that its in his best interest. that everybody wins. if i cut and run. im terrified to leave, because i dont know if i would have the strength to come home. | | |
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blurry photos.
oh dear.
honor roll.
halloween sex.
with strippers.
well stripper.
mohawks.
break ups.
shake downs.
anatomy physiology.
shadow stalker.
milo at the mall.
pee buddy.
nothing exciting.
nothing exreme.
| | |
| if i were you, i would have given up by now.
lets hope your a better person than i am. like/lust/love a boy named shadow.
shadow jasper hunt.
no kidding.
stressing about med.term.
quiz on thursday
midterm on monday
roadtrip to texas in a couple weeks.
suezy and nicks wedding
stressing about my bridesmaid dress.
havent eaten in days.
smoke like a chimney.
sand springs til 3 am
Milos first tooth.
no brand new tickets, final instead.
no money, no job, no car
no bills, no boss, no plans
miss little sister
miss my friends.
quit drinking
completely sober.
refreshing actually.
four puppies, 2 dead dogs
new lists
percepolis.
colbert, daily show, demitri martin, fooly cooly
alicias new baby is due any day, Milos little sister
new clothes, winter clothes, scrubs
modest mouse
take what you want from me, you deserve it all.
<3
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| nobody will understand. i am not a child, but i will not put my childidh fears aside.
the fear of monsters in the closet
the fear of being alone in the dark
the fear of life passing me by.
lucky for me he's there
holding my hand in the dark closet i live in
saying 'dont worry, we'll build another life.' <3 thank you baby daddy | | |
| the only person who can reach into my bones
lives miles and miles away.
i miss you little sister.
<3 | | |
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